Monday, July 22, 2013

10 ways I fail at the internet.

My dear friend Chelsea's mom, Teresa, brought to my attention the other day that I have been shamefully negligent of my blog in recent months. The Electric Feast is fully to blame for this, and I have already filed a complaint with editors Joe Delaney and Charles Moak. Expect a full apology soon. Regardless, not updating my blog is just one of many ways in which I consistently fail at being a 21st century digital girl. So, Teresa, and anyone else out there kind enough to have bookmarked or otherwise invested their time into my blog, I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. Here's a list of other ways in which I'm terrible at this whole internet thing.

10 drafts. Never a
good sign.
1. Email regularly gets the best of me. It is no exaggeration to estimate that 95% of the time when I say I'm attaching something to an email, I forget to actually attach it -- even when Gmail reminds me. About 50% of the time, I save an email as a draft instead of sending it, and then wonder why the other person isn't responding. When they inevitably follow up with a "what gives?" message a week later, I realize that I, in fact, am the douchebag who didn't respond, not the other way around.

2. I never have fewer than ten tabs open. Hard as I try to reduce the noise in my browser, next thing I know I have 30 things queued up to read. Eventually, to my great relief, the browser just crashes and I get to start afresh. My friend Avery Holton has done research on the fact that using the old fashioned computer with its unending browser tabs and unconstrained access to the whole world wide web at once (as opposed to using a more limited mobile device platform) basically slowly drives you insane with information overload. Okay, maybe he didn't say "drives you insane," but in my experience, that's pretty much what happens. Don't even get me started about all the crap on my desktop.

3. I forget to respond to comments. I always hope people don't think I'm super self-centered because they respond to my facebook status updates and I never say anything back. It's the worst when they ask questions. I usually see it on my phone or something and think, "I'm terrible at typing on this mobile device. I'll answer later." Then I don't respond. Ever. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I can't remember anything that happened more than five minutes ago.

4. I disappear for days at a time. One day I post all day long, seemingly without ceasing, and then I'm gone for three days with no explanation. The explanation is probably that either I am now catching up on the responsibilities I neglected while tweeting all day, or that I'm overstimulated from all the interaction and going into introversion mode to recover.

5. I don't ever check FB messages. Unless I'm specifically expecting one, or someone posts on my wall to tell me they sent one, or, I dunno, I just randomly happen to notice I have one, they just sit there. At this point, Facebook has stopped trying to keep track. It just tells me I have 99+ unread messages in my inbox.

I need to know these facts
so I can butcher them
at parties.
6. I lose hours of productivity to Cracked, The Oatmeal, and Buzzfeed. Not as much on the latter anymore 'cause one can only read so many lists about things we're all supposed to relate to before nostalgia stops feeling nostalgic and starts feeling more like a chorus of that guy in your class who stagnated after high school and can't stop reliving the glory days. Cracked, however, is a black hole of interesting but ultimately useless information that I can read all day, usually retaining very little of what I've read so that when I try to recount it to someone else, I end up having to tell them, "Eh, just look it up. It's funny."

7. I read things that are sure to put me on government watch-lists. As my chum Allison, everyone on Twitter, and host Josh Mankiewicz all know, I'm kind of obsessed with Dateline. But my macabre fixation doesn't end there. I will read about serial killers on Crime Library into the wee hours of the night. I know everything there is to know about Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Timothy McVeigh, and David Berkowitz. I have heavily researched the practices of the FLDS, the Manson Family, and the Branch Davidians. I'm not one of those groupies who actually LIKE these people. You won't find me walking around in a #freejahar t-shirt (no seriously. That's a thing. Gross). I just have a fascination with the darker side of the human experience. I assume the NSA has a dedicated satellite for my antics.

8. I sleep-facebook. It would be best if I slept with my phone on the other side of the room, but then my friends would miss out on cryptic/unintelligible messages like this:
Yeah, have fun deciphering that one, sleep message recipient.

9. I save unnecessary photos to my computer. What am I really gonna do with a photo of Barack Obama making faces at a baby, or of Karl Urban pointing a finger gun at the camera? Not to mention that I don't put them in a specific folder, so I have to constantly redownload the things that I DO use frequently. I can only imagine how many times I've downloaded the gif of Orson Welles clapping or the one of Neil Patrick Harris dancing with Elmo.
Obviously, I need this saved 6 times in my "downloads" file.
10. I forget about instant messages. This is why I keep my chat boxes and what-not turned off. Someone's like, "Hi!" I'm like, "Hey!" They're like, "How's life?" I'm like, ::silence:: Not only do I find keeping up with text-based conversations happening in real-time super exhausting, but I am also super easily distracted. And, as we've discussed, I have no less than ten tabs open. The second I navigate away from that facebook tab while waiting for the other person to type their response, I forget I was ever chatting. It's immediate. You might as well hang out with Cleverbot. It's a way better conversationalist.

Till next time, friends, find me on the Feast. I fail way less over there.


Gerry Morales said...

I'd leave a witty response in the form of a comment here, but you'd probably never see it... ;)

Brianne said...

Next post: 5 ways Corri's problems with technology have contributed to Brianne's inferiority complex.

Corrigan said...

I always admire your persistence.

Corrigan said...

Gerry, Gerry. It's not that I won't SEE it. It's that I won't RESPOND to it. Oh, wait....

peter said...

I do the same with number three. I keep promising to respond to comments, but gaaah I never do! I love my readers and appreciate them taking the time do write me, I just get wrapped up in the next post I'm trying to produce for them.