Monday, April 29, 2013

Letters to other drivers.

Dear Lexus/Mercedes/BMW/mid-life-crisis-car Driver,
Nobody thinks you deserve to get places faster than we do just 'cause your car is shinier and has more toys in it. I'm sure you're a real big deal at Jerkface & Associates, but when you tailgate and swerve around the rest of us, we have this uncanny ability to band together as one body to stop you from getting where you want to go. Test it.

Dear giant truck tailgating me with your headlights practically inside my back window,
There are 37 people in front of me going the same speed. Unless you are actually a monster truck--which is really the only legitimate reason a truck should be that enormous--and you plan to just roll over all those other cars, I suggest you back up off.

Dear people who use the shoulder as a lane,
The shoulder is not a lane.

Dear person who's clearly trying to get over but refuses to slow down, speed up, or use a blinker,
Yeah, I see you. I'm ignoring you. Say please.

Dear refined human being with the same Jurassic Park sticker as me,
What's the hand signal for "nice job having the same Jurassic sticker as me?" I would give you that hand signal right now.

Dear Oregon driver, 
55mph is more like a guideline. Also, I know driving is a nervewracking ordeal and solidarity always makes one feel better, but please stop pacing me. I bet you go to the bathroom in groups, too, huh?

Dear teenager texting w/ your phone in your lap after dark,
Unless you happen to be radioactive, I think the highway patrol's gonna be able to figure out why your face appears to be emanating light.


Dear person who got to the stop sign ten seconds before I did,
You do not have to wait for me to pull up and come to a full and complete stop before you cross the intersection. 

Dear minivan driver,
I know your blindspots are huge. Why do you not know that? 

Dear old lady on the 5S ramp last week,
You are not a bicycle. We do not share a lane. Single file. 

Dear motorcyclists,
Whatever happened to that two-finger "thanks for not killing me" courtesy wave we used to get for making room for you in the lane during traffic? 

Dear open truck full of gardening and/or construction equipment,
That setup is precarious and I have seen Final Destination. Tie that crap down.
Nailed it.

Dear selfish driver with the Jesus fish on the bumper,
You're making us all look bad. Please promptly replace with a Nickelback sticker.

Dear person going 65 in the carpool lane,
Just because you can use carpool, it doesn't mean you should.

Dear car with the DVD playing for the kids in the backseat,
Hey, slow down. I'm trying to figure out what you're watching.

Best, Sincerely, Yours Truly, etc.,

1 comment:

James Valdez said...

Thank you. I laughed and got shamed cus I do some of the same stuff...