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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

[190.2] deepest, darkest

I keep a lot incriminating things - boxes of spiral notebooks and journals, a trunk full of diaries and thoughts scribbled on scraps of paper, countless scattered bits of evidence in easily accessible locations. They're all things that, were I to die suddenly and unexpectedly, hearing from beyond the grave that people had begun reading would surely make me want to reanimate my own corpse and kill myself again.
I have never withheld a thought from myself. Just about anything that has eaten away at me for more than a fleeting moment can be found within the pages of one notebook or another. And yet, I have always had a nagging fear of becoming some sort of Anne Frank in the event of some unfortunate demise. I can only imagine that if she knew that her infatuation with Peter Schiff had become common knowledge throughout the entire literate world, she would be a touch mortified. Of course, knowing her poignant story has touched millions might curb her embarrassment. But what have I got to redeem me? I haven't a heroic bone in my body, but have had plenty of less than heroic thoughts. The last thing I want is for people to remember me for my Saves The Day-esque poetry detailing my disdain for my ex-boyfriend in 2003; or for imaginative hypotheticals on how I might someday capture the heart of some unrequited crush whom I have long since forgotten or moved on from.
A week or so ago, I decided that I would begin methodically destroying all of these damning artifacts. Lord knows I can't even bear to read them, so there's no reason I should be keeping them around for others to someday cringe, or worse, laugh at. Still, it's harder than it seems. My dearest Chelsea and I made an agreement when we were sixteen or seventeen that, should one of us shed this mortal coil before our time, the other would destroy the humiliating ramblings left behind. We called it "burning the cabinet," because all such records of Chelsea's were kept in a cabinet in her bedroom. A part of me thinks, well, maybe I should just keep it all and let Chels burn the cabinet. But the other part of me thinks that it could be time to burn it myself and finally move on with my life. I don't know what comfort I find in holding on so tightly to the past, but it's about time to let it go.

6 comments:

The Future Mr. and Mrs said...

I think this is a common "engagement thought." I've been trashing alot, not enough, but alot of stuff the past couple months. Its like "hey, I'm starting a whole new crazy chapter in my life. lets get rid of some of this past stuff"

Kent said...

haha...i remember going to Anne Frank museum exhibits/reading books about her, and all I really wanted to know was the layout of the bookshelf/secret room...i say keep the pact with telso. I wonder...do you write as a release? Because if so...then shouldn't all of this old scrawl be just a pile of old emotions that are done and gone? But then again...im not a journaler...unless i have a series of inneresting dreams.

may, Samantha e. said...

after reading this, my heart kind of dropped.
I have journals through the years and i keep them.

I often read and think, "wow, what was i thinking?" but i've created my entries so vague now, that if i were to go back to them, i would have no idea what i was feeling.

but thinking about your journals being destroyed, kind of breaks my heart. But they are your words and therefore, do with them as you please. And if it's time to put the passed in the passed in sacrificial form. Then let it be/

.heidi.noelle. said...

Ok, I about fell over when I read your entry. My reasoning? Because just today I went through and did exactly this! There were some things over time I had let go of, but like you I have written so much down...so much within my journals and notebooks in particular; that there is no reason to hang on to it anymore.

kelly ann said...

your comment made me smile :)

did you know rob pattinson recently got a hair cut?
you would be proud. HA HA, i totally follow ashton on twitter, too - I LOVE HIM.

OH MY GOSH TRU CONFESSIONS!! are you kidding me?!! i remember watching that movie when it first aired and i bawled like a baby. shia was brilliant in every way. he's so incredible.

i have a box of journals and notebooks (i have a notebooks/journal collecting addiction, i have a ton of blank, and yet i still buy more... hmph). i would never part with them, they're my heart.

Tuatha242 said...

Because my dear Corrigan...we will be the only generations leaving the little ramblings of our lives..no matter how mundane and future generations will know us better. Tons of your journals and stuff are here..heh..tons of mine are in Grandma's attic..methinks we are meybe not so unalike:)

Mumsy